Apr 21, 2009

Let's talk change.

Obama started it. "Yes, we can. Yes, we can change. Yes, we can."

I don't necessarily deal with change well. Afterall, I haven't had to "change" much in the last 10+ years of my life - and when I did have change, it was very minor in the grand scheme of things. Change, however, is part of life. It is a necessary part of life. But that doesn't mean that I welcome it too graciously. I wouldn't say I resist it, rather I am slow to embrace it.

I want to like change. I want very much to like it. But it's my nature to be quite the opposite. I am SO a creature of habit. And comfort. When I look back at my life, I haven't always been this way. I would have NEVER gone to the places I have been or done the things I have done in my life if I was really and truly afraid of change. I'm not sure when I became so hesitant. It would be nice to know, because as Dr. Phil says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge..." So if I could pin point something then I could totally change it all around.

I'm slowly warming up to change. I am. I really am. I've read some great blog posts this week that have been helpful - if for no other reason than to ensure my sanity! No really, they've helped confirm that it is not just me. I really love the blog world. These posts have come at a time when I really needed them. I don't think it's coincidence either. ;)

Heather wrote this one:
Do you have someone in your life that makes you think?
Someone who looks at your life and is able to summarize it and explain it in words that were so deep in your heart, that you could not even put vocabulary to it? I have recently become friends with someone who does this for me. This is an email she sent me after she watched the Adoption Video #7 (about min 2). It was the day we met Losiah for the first time, which so happened to be Thanksgiving.

This was some of her words, how she got in my head, my heart, I don't know. But 2 years later she gets it. I have pushed these things away. Life got so chaotic and I never approached these thoughts again.
UNTIL NOW! Here you go...

"I got to watch you eating your Turkey dinner in Korea and I was watching you smile and feeling like you wanted to cry. Here you were at one of the most anticipated moments of your adult life and all you wanted was to be anywhere but there. Isn't that how it so often is for us? We long and we wait and we desire, but when reality happens...we want to run! :) I feel like that's me on a constant basis. How we want success, but sometimes we fear success more than we fear failure. It's safer to think in the negative terms of, "what if I don't succeed, or what if I never make it, or what if I can't get a job." Because then we seemingly have control over those situations...we can fall on the default of, "well, I knew it would never happen." But...if we become successful, we have no way of maneuvering through that outcome...we don't know what to expect or how to take our life to the next level...especially if we are in a mindset of letdowns and failures."

Oh this struck my soul.
I had just met my son and yet I was so let down.
The moment happened, but it was not like the movies.
He was cute... but he was not mine.
Carlos and I were together, but we felt so alone.
I wanted to be home with what I knew, what made me feel comfortable, what made me feel safe. Oh how life is funny. We long and we want, but then it happens and often we are let down. We all have dreams. Dreams of school, work, marriage, kids, retirement. We all long to have those dreams fulfilled, but often times when they are, we are not satisfied. Marriage, kids, work, retirement, what is it for you? Have you had a dream that has not turned out as you thought? H

Then today, my blog friend Suz posted a link to her friend's blog:

Like, the last thing I want to hear from people is, “don’t worry thing’s will be okay…it’ll be the best thing you’ve ever done…you won’t care about all that…blah blah.”
I know those things, but I don’t want to accept them at this point, you know?
I don’t want to hear a bunch of typical niceties from people. The bottom line is, you get used to living a certain way and when a ton of things change all at once, its hard to handle, no matter who you are.
I’m used to living a certain way and lately every time I turn around, something else is changing and I can’t just do things anymore. Between my mom moving in, Mikey’s pillage and plunder of a good majority of our house, and the physical changes I’m having to go through, not to mention all the changes coming very shortly down the road, it’s just all so much at one time.

Help me. Tell me how you deal with change. What works for you?

1 comment:

Abbie H. said...

I roll up into a ball and cry and kicking my feet all at the same time!

Just kidding.....sorta! haha!

As you know, I don't deal well with change either. It takes me a long time to let it soak all in.

"Sometimes I'd like to ask God why He allows poverty, famine, and injustice in the world when He could do something about it, but I'm afraid God would ask me the same question."
You don't change the world by trying to change the world; you change the world by changing yourself.
-Gerry Straub